Terror in the High Seas

Like the ever shifting tides of the ocean, it seems such is life as well. Perpetually changing, continuously manipulating, the inconsistent human is trapped in a oscillating whirlpool of thought and feeling. I think I have found my anchor, my peaceful harbor for the time being. But, when it is time to venture out into the uncharted waters, I will be ready.

FRC 2010

So the new season of FIRST Robotics started yesterday. Quite excited as this year's game looks quite intriguing. Not so much high flying action as perhaps my freshmen year, but this year's game still holds promise. I hear many good things about our team organization this year, we even have a new mentor. Looks like a great year to come, hopefully our skill level and our brain power cooperate to make this our year. Go 2204!

Happy Streak

So began my "happy streak." Let me explain. Starting from around December 20, 2009, I attempted the impossible. After all the turmoil of life and stress, I tried to put on this idea of the "happy streak" where I would try to remain happy and avoid all types of sad or depressing emotions. If something comes up, I'd attempt to shrug it off. It's been about three weeks now, very strange. The effects are beginning to fade away (partially because break is over?). What has been extremely beneficial for me during this dry spell was the things that normally bothered me became bearable (forgive the spelling). Parent issues, friend issues, in general issues became less weighty on my mind. What is really beginning to bother me though is my inability to sympathize as much. I cannot find myself to understand people as well, perhaps it shows how important emotions are when relating with people. I could not understand as well the hard times my friends were experiencing. Secondly, I find myself at a loss in front of the piano. No longer does music flow from me through those intense emotions like they used to. It's hard. I think about switching back soon, just for the piano. Just for the music.

In an almost completely unrelated topic, from the theater production, from my experience in basketball, from my time in EnviroClub, from my work in FIRST, from my efforts in LEOs, from my life in CCS, I have learned something that I should have seen earlier. All my years, I strived to be that kind of shadow helper. To be that person who was always in the background doing stuff, doing those things that people usually do not recognize as hard or difficult, but I found it always necessary. I never wanted any acknowledgement, I was only proud of the people that I helped succeed. It felt good just being useful. I look around though, and I see so many people that I probably work equally as hard and I push my body to the most I can, and yet I go unrewarded. I realize I had just previously stated that I sought no acknowledgement or reward for myself, but I don't know. I guess it's tough, but thus is my role. To receive the least "good job" or "nice work" or "thank you" has always been my part. I should so aspire to do social work one day. Hopefully getting that engineering degree, I could be useful worldwide and help those who really need it. Again, probably the thankless job, not the successful money maker, not the thing my family would be extremely proud of, but it is who I am.

Not so much unrelated as the 1st paragraph is to the 2nd, the paragraph break here is just a breather for me. Anywho, yesterday's production was so strange for me. My dad came to the last showing of our winter production. If you don't know this, my dad kind of doesn't show up to any of my school activities. I recall him coming to one of my cross country races, basically it. He is a supportive dad, don't get me wrong, he helps me out in my clubs with advice and guidance. He even donates a portion of his paycheck to the FIRST Robotics team (go 2204!) every month. It is just, so strange that my dad came out. I guess it was at that "harassment" of my dad's friend to tell him to come watch, but either way. At the end of the performance he kept telling me that it was a great performance, and we all did a good job. It meant so much to me that my dad would say that. Seriously, throughout my childhood, I felt like everything I took part of was a disappointment to my dad. Drawing class, gymnastics class, my ice skating lessons, my swimming lessons, my piano lessons, my abacus lessons, my karate lessons, my chinese school lessons, my cross country/track career, my choice in FIRST over basketball, seriously everything I did felt like I kept failing him over and over. I would not know how to truly convey this idea to anyone who is reading, but him coming to the show and saying what a great job we did was great (haha, snuck in a little tear here Dx).

A good friend, Anthony, once told me that I should not base myself on what I do but rather on who I am. I have lived so contradictory to this because I have left the things I've accomplished and the abilities I have define who I am. My self worth was based on what my parents thought I was. I never admitted it, and I still don't, but perhaps I did push myself so hard just to seek approval. I've worked so hard all my life. My family always insisted on emphasizing my short comings rather than even mentioning my accomplishments. I learned not to expect any reward for working hard. I came to expect hard work to be normal. I came to expect my own being was extraneous, superfluous, the chaff in the wheat.

I could end by importing some corny quote to make us laugh. And I got the perfect one!
Calvin: Enchantress~
Haha.. Just kidding. But really, who is the ultimate authority of all of us? Who really is the one who judges us? Who do we really need to please? God loves us because of who we are regardless of what we do. It is that thought that's really kept me going through the happy streak. But ya know, maybe we weren't meant to be happy all the time. It is not even my duty to control whether I am happy or sad. That's God's job. My goal for this "happy streak" was to get myself to worry less, which is good, but I think this is the wrong way to do it. To worry less should not be about trying to worry less, it's about giving it to God and letting him take care of it. It's not in our place to worry, not in our place to be "in control." That's what God is here for. On that positive note, I shall end for the night. If anyone was so persistent as to read this whole thing, thank you. And maybe you should try running for a government office xD (Haha to theater!).

Implosion

Hm. Implosion is when everything is collapsing inwards. In contrast to an explosion, where everything is blown out, imploding is usually a problem with the inside and thus the collapse inwards. Draw what you can from that.

It's amazing what one's emotions can create when you channel it through a medium such as music or art. Everyday I seem to just discover something new when I just use what I have around me to play music. Most people don't really appreciate it, or just don't understand it. I think it's almost a personal journey for me. Ah well, it's me. None other.

Friday, Day After Thursday

Today is actually Thursday, despite what the title implies. The title is simply me looking forward for tomorrow. Friday. For me, it's actually a chill day where there is a void between a week of work and the busy weekend to come. Best time to go running?! Haha. The joys of running. Some people think I am crazy. Others determined. Some even think I am just stupid for enjoying this "laborious activity" (as Calvin claims it is NOT a sport...GRRRRR he lies). So many metaphors you can relate running to. The journey of life as a race, to finish or to make it worthwhile. The trials you face as you come across that "hill" in your life. The drive to take all the pains you feel and just push forward through them. I can go on.

What was I even going to say here. Hm. Oh, Friday. Ah, I'll let the day reveal itself to me tomorrow.

Remember

It is probably too early in my life to use a title like "Memories" so I'll substitute it with this. Great thing about the versatility of vocabulary. There is always a word to substitute another. Anywho. Time to blog. Strange thing has happened lately. It's like a huge burden is just gone. Those bitter feelings and just accursed feelings of turmoil have been minimized. The grip of those certain places in my past have such a small effect on me when I revisit them now. It is strange. Those good times that later lead to the bad are completely disconnected. I can find myself wondering freely through the blissful moments I've had without fear of the bad driving me insane. The disconnect is so unusual, but it's so, peaceful. I think I've only felt like this twice in my lifetime. Seems like a lot considering it's been only 16 (going to be 17 in Sept!) years of living, but it is been quite a burdensome 17 years.

The regret is gone. What happend has happend for the best.

It's strange how I can finally and almost freely venture into the past accounts in my mind without having that painful sting of heartache take hold.

So very refreshing.

Growing up

So many sad posts I have on this blog. Hm, let's think of something fresh. Any piano players out there want to duet with me in the upcoming monster concert? Thought I'd just throw it out there even though there aren't any piano players that read my blog or anyone actually. Today is June 27th. 6/27. I just finished my first month of work for a total of ~$400. Not much I guess, but better than others. So fortunate to have a job in today's world. I think it's about time I get this running get-together planned. Or at least something. First month of summer is over! Kind of quick I'd say. Yet, I think I was kept quite busy in that time. When July rolls around, it's going to be even faster and sadder. Senior year? Wee, so much responsibilities and privileges. Time to grow up. Time to step up. We goin' ta rox teh skool? Yeap, totally. Anywho, this should be enough lightheartedness for now. 'Til next time.

I can see clearly now

I remember what my mom would say to me when she would talk to me in Cantonese or Mandarin when there were strangers present or just other people around. She would say that she is talking in another language in order to prevent others from understanding what we were talking about. In some ways I guess this was just to be nice as to not "insult someone." But it seems so shady.

Kinda like gossip. Or talking behind someone's back. What the heck is with that. If you have a problem with me, tell it straight up to my face. Don't try to save face and hide behind your little wall of people. Straight up tell me I am mean or you hate the way I am.

*Shrug* I know you can't get what you want. But is honesty really too much to ask for? Someone has to represent.

Technically, this is the next day

Hm...today is technically not June 1st. It's so weird to be suddenly posting so closely to each other when I don't even bother touching this thing ever. Wee. What is pain? "Weakness leaving the body...weakness leaving the body..." It's a little motto we learned in track my sophomore year for us throwers. And so it comes down to this. What is pain? It is the presence of weakness flowing out of your body. When you overcome pain, you inevitably conquer what made you weak resulting in new-found strength.

Why do I say this? Hm. I guess because it is a new day. A new day yields a new life. Daily do we learn to walk taller and stronger than we did before. Adversity we overcome. Obstacles we shatter. It all makes you who you are in the end. The pain I feel now? Well, we'll wait and see how it plays out.

First day of work

Like the title says. Today, 6/01/09, was my first day of an actual job. I didn't do much. A lot of moving and lifting and clerical work. Helped move around furniture and set up a computer so I could have it to work on. I created a couple of excel spreadsheets and learned a few tricks using that. I feel somewhat accomplished and sick right now. Sick because of lack of sleep and my body just aches. Accomplished to have completed 5 hours (which is about $40 for me?). Summer has just begun and I already miss my friends. Hopefully we will be able to hang out a lot as time passes. Ah well, enough for now.