Wow

It's been so long since I've written on this forum. I return to this because I feel as if I have nothing else. The people I felt like I could be a part of, close to, or belonged to have moved on. I suppose I should to. I'll be honest, I miss those days, but I guess it's over. The irony that the one who promised to never forsake his friends would be the first one to leave. I suppose that returns with vengeance. But it's alright. I think GOD's plan for me was to be alone. I cherish those moments where I felt like I belonged, but for some reason I think that is merely past. I've never had that sense of family before, and I admit I am at times jealous of those who can so easily rely on their parents or find going home something relaxing. Right now is just a horrible time. I've almost come to a point where I am purposely isolating myself from being close to anyone. I put myself in the role as advisor or support so that I can feel a sense that people need to depend on me and I don't need them. In the end, I know this is all in vain but it's what I am accustomed to. In the end, that's not what friends are, but I can only see that much. GOD tells us everyday that we are loved, yet I don't believe it nor see it. I can't. Every moment in my life and every person that I know has rejected me at some point and I am so furious that I cannot grow callused to it. Continually hurt in hope of seeking a secure place. I realize that this is why GOD tells us not to put our faith in people, because everyone fails as humans. At the same time, if GOD wants us to live in community then why haven't I found mine?

I think this idea and role suits me best. The role of wanderer. The idea that I will always chase after ideals and fail because I am imperfect. I will always seek those perfect friendships, yet because I do I will always wander alone. =) Perhaps this is what I am most suited for. Perhaps this is just who I'm meant to be. I just have to learn to be content with that.