Inspiration, Admiration, Appreciation of Your Creation xD

There are probably a lot more rhymes I could think of that would match my purpose, but I'll stick with those up there. This post is intended for my friends and myself to read and also to somewhat complete my thank you's to the list of friends I started earlier. However, since I have grown so much over the past few months, I am redoing it completely. I will attempt to continually update this post as more things come into mind or as I begin to include more names. (By the way, there is no particular order to these things and I might not even name the names to the things they have done for me, so you can figure it out or ask me xD).

Without

So it is about to be 12:00 AM 6-22-2010. It feels a lot later (or earlier in the morning) as the energy seems to be sapped out of me by the second. I guess I don't have any other forum where I can really express myself anymore. *Shrug*, this has been the closest thing to a journal I got so here goes. There is a famous quote that goes: "A man can survive a month without food, a week without water, a minute without air, but only a second without hope." As the days go on, I feel that crash of the final phrase of this statement. I don't know why, but I've reached square one again. What's kept me going throughout the years have been my friends who now seem to be so busy with life that I now am left wondering where I can lean on (no pun intended). Family always criticizes me and constantly gives off an air of opposition whenever I talk to them. I have considered my friends to take on that role as my family and now I feel even worse than ever. I am Christian, and I claim Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. It is times like these when I yell out to him and even then I feel even more helpless. I've always made it a goal of mine to never complain. My father and mother always impressed on me the idea that complaining solves nothing, it serves no purpose but to annoy and exaggerate a problem. I have therefore a lot bottled up within me. Without anywhere to turn, I feel that second of hope slipping away. I'm sorry this all seems so dismal to those reading or even my future self that is reading. Hopefully one day this will be past. I have been told that it will take a lifetime to recover from I guess what should be labeled an affliction. I realize that it will be impossible to overcome alone. Yet, I feel that it can only be done by myself. For those who may read this blog, if you feel any pity for me, don't. If you feel obligated to help me, don't. If someone were to bring this up again to me, I will probably treat it as if it were non-existent. I will smile and say, thank you for caring. I suppose why I am writing this is just to complain. Haha, ironic isn't it.

New Direction

I suppose this is it. School is out. For us in the Senior Class of '10, it is a new chapter in life. So cliche, at the same time, so necessary. Some silly things I wanted to get out of my system, I'll post here. For one, why in the world do I use the word silly. Anywho, I have a new goal in life. It is a strange and farfetched goal. One that seems unnecessary and superfluous, but I feel is honorable. Inspired by the movie Kingdom of Heaven, the main character in the movie Balian, baron of Ibelin, is told by the queen of Jerusalem that the world has no need for the perfect knight. She tells him this in order to tempt him to kill her husband by sending him off to battle and marrying her when he is dead. Balian resists, in spite of the fact that he secretly loves her, because he realizes that as a knight he as a moral code to uphold. Now, back to my 'goal.' I told Calvin once that I had a new goal in life, and that was to become "the perfect gentleman." Haha, oh how silly that sounds right? I suppose it sounds something valorous now as I am still in my CCS mindset where morals are defined and boundaries are clear. College will definitely put to test my will to keep this. Balian's oath in the movie was as follows: "Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright, that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads you to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong; that is your oath." Of course, in the context of modern times, this seems like a bunch of archaic diction, but in fact it contains a basic moral code. In modern times, these lines merely reveal the basic steps to leading an honest and simple life. Making decisions that will honor God and emulate Christ-like characters are the foundations of my lofty goal.

I've thought about this often as one would wonder why the world needs a 'perfect gentleman.' What kind of gentleman would label himself in such a way in the first place? Ah, well, it's merely an ideal. Most likely I will fail, but my motives for this endeavor stretch beyond myself. It includes all my friends who deserve that much. As John 15:13 states, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." This verse has only really stuck out to me in this past month or two as Senior year came to a close. How much my friends are worth to me and how much I do and am willing to do to prove that are things that spur me on. Ah well, a New Direction. Strange, but I kind of think that I've been trying to seek this path all my life already. Now I simply put a name to it.

Friends for Life (Probably the 1st of many)

Titling this post as "Friends for Life," I realize that there will be future posts titled similarly, thus the "first of many."

Anywho, yeah, I had a long talk with a good mentor of mine about friendships. This is overstated, but the sad fact is that the friendships we build in high school will be strained due to distance in college. I really hope to change this. I could not imagine not knowing these friends I have now, not having them at the end and beginning of the day to call up or Skype with. And those special friends who I know I would not have made it through high school without, those who helped me deal with every emotional, physical, and spiritual problems I endured, I could not imagine a life without.

I usually do not post names on this blog, but I guess I feel compelled to right now. A true thanks to you who have really pushed through with me. If I do not mention your name here, it is not because I do not appreciate you or acknowledge you, please do not take offense. I love all my friends very much. And so it begins, in particular order (or maybe there is): Anthony, for your counsel and filling my life with your constant biblical influence. Mel, for your perpetual positive attitude when I needed it most and for helping me through basically every club problems and social problem and spiritual problem throughout high school. Calvin (the man with the plan), for letting me vent my problems on you and teaching me how to be competitive (at least in the earlier years when I met you). Kermit, even though I have not known you as a close friend for very long, for your humor that brightens my day.

For my other friends who I did not write the name of down here, don't take offense, please. I will write more people later when I get the time!

Thanks

Haha, yesterday evening. Around 8:20-ish? I am not sure. But, that is irrevelant mostly. I finally asked her to the formal; and she said yes. Kind of interesting how things turn out in the end. I am trying not to get too excited, but it's hard not to. I'd like to just say to her with this blogpost, thank you. If you happen to read this, I'll say sorry I didn't hug you or something because I was afraid my bad smelling-PE clothes would make it...yeah. Haha, anywho, thank you for saying yes!

Connection

Need to belong. For those in AP Psych, that's a little intro for you. I have messed up again. I think this time it is not so bad. All things considered, nobody was hurt by my tirades. I apologize to whoever I let it out on. There seems to be a disconnect between me and God and it is really tearing me apart. I don't feel that sense of belonging like I do when I am in God. Enough with these "I" statements, because it should never be about me. It's all about everyone else that has had to deal with my selfishness.

Better is One Day! If only it would be sooner.

Terror in the High Seas

Like the ever shifting tides of the ocean, it seems such is life as well. Perpetually changing, continuously manipulating, the inconsistent human is trapped in a oscillating whirlpool of thought and feeling. I think I have found my anchor, my peaceful harbor for the time being. But, when it is time to venture out into the uncharted waters, I will be ready.

FRC 2010

So the new season of FIRST Robotics started yesterday. Quite excited as this year's game looks quite intriguing. Not so much high flying action as perhaps my freshmen year, but this year's game still holds promise. I hear many good things about our team organization this year, we even have a new mentor. Looks like a great year to come, hopefully our skill level and our brain power cooperate to make this our year. Go 2204!

Happy Streak

So began my "happy streak." Let me explain. Starting from around December 20, 2009, I attempted the impossible. After all the turmoil of life and stress, I tried to put on this idea of the "happy streak" where I would try to remain happy and avoid all types of sad or depressing emotions. If something comes up, I'd attempt to shrug it off. It's been about three weeks now, very strange. The effects are beginning to fade away (partially because break is over?). What has been extremely beneficial for me during this dry spell was the things that normally bothered me became bearable (forgive the spelling). Parent issues, friend issues, in general issues became less weighty on my mind. What is really beginning to bother me though is my inability to sympathize as much. I cannot find myself to understand people as well, perhaps it shows how important emotions are when relating with people. I could not understand as well the hard times my friends were experiencing. Secondly, I find myself at a loss in front of the piano. No longer does music flow from me through those intense emotions like they used to. It's hard. I think about switching back soon, just for the piano. Just for the music.

In an almost completely unrelated topic, from the theater production, from my experience in basketball, from my time in EnviroClub, from my work in FIRST, from my efforts in LEOs, from my life in CCS, I have learned something that I should have seen earlier. All my years, I strived to be that kind of shadow helper. To be that person who was always in the background doing stuff, doing those things that people usually do not recognize as hard or difficult, but I found it always necessary. I never wanted any acknowledgement, I was only proud of the people that I helped succeed. It felt good just being useful. I look around though, and I see so many people that I probably work equally as hard and I push my body to the most I can, and yet I go unrewarded. I realize I had just previously stated that I sought no acknowledgement or reward for myself, but I don't know. I guess it's tough, but thus is my role. To receive the least "good job" or "nice work" or "thank you" has always been my part. I should so aspire to do social work one day. Hopefully getting that engineering degree, I could be useful worldwide and help those who really need it. Again, probably the thankless job, not the successful money maker, not the thing my family would be extremely proud of, but it is who I am.

Not so much unrelated as the 1st paragraph is to the 2nd, the paragraph break here is just a breather for me. Anywho, yesterday's production was so strange for me. My dad came to the last showing of our winter production. If you don't know this, my dad kind of doesn't show up to any of my school activities. I recall him coming to one of my cross country races, basically it. He is a supportive dad, don't get me wrong, he helps me out in my clubs with advice and guidance. He even donates a portion of his paycheck to the FIRST Robotics team (go 2204!) every month. It is just, so strange that my dad came out. I guess it was at that "harassment" of my dad's friend to tell him to come watch, but either way. At the end of the performance he kept telling me that it was a great performance, and we all did a good job. It meant so much to me that my dad would say that. Seriously, throughout my childhood, I felt like everything I took part of was a disappointment to my dad. Drawing class, gymnastics class, my ice skating lessons, my swimming lessons, my piano lessons, my abacus lessons, my karate lessons, my chinese school lessons, my cross country/track career, my choice in FIRST over basketball, seriously everything I did felt like I kept failing him over and over. I would not know how to truly convey this idea to anyone who is reading, but him coming to the show and saying what a great job we did was great (haha, snuck in a little tear here Dx).

A good friend, Anthony, once told me that I should not base myself on what I do but rather on who I am. I have lived so contradictory to this because I have left the things I've accomplished and the abilities I have define who I am. My self worth was based on what my parents thought I was. I never admitted it, and I still don't, but perhaps I did push myself so hard just to seek approval. I've worked so hard all my life. My family always insisted on emphasizing my short comings rather than even mentioning my accomplishments. I learned not to expect any reward for working hard. I came to expect hard work to be normal. I came to expect my own being was extraneous, superfluous, the chaff in the wheat.

I could end by importing some corny quote to make us laugh. And I got the perfect one!
Calvin: Enchantress~
Haha.. Just kidding. But really, who is the ultimate authority of all of us? Who really is the one who judges us? Who do we really need to please? God loves us because of who we are regardless of what we do. It is that thought that's really kept me going through the happy streak. But ya know, maybe we weren't meant to be happy all the time. It is not even my duty to control whether I am happy or sad. That's God's job. My goal for this "happy streak" was to get myself to worry less, which is good, but I think this is the wrong way to do it. To worry less should not be about trying to worry less, it's about giving it to God and letting him take care of it. It's not in our place to worry, not in our place to be "in control." That's what God is here for. On that positive note, I shall end for the night. If anyone was so persistent as to read this whole thing, thank you. And maybe you should try running for a government office xD (Haha to theater!).

Implosion

Hm. Implosion is when everything is collapsing inwards. In contrast to an explosion, where everything is blown out, imploding is usually a problem with the inside and thus the collapse inwards. Draw what you can from that.

It's amazing what one's emotions can create when you channel it through a medium such as music or art. Everyday I seem to just discover something new when I just use what I have around me to play music. Most people don't really appreciate it, or just don't understand it. I think it's almost a personal journey for me. Ah well, it's me. None other.