Happy Streak

So began my "happy streak." Let me explain. Starting from around December 20, 2009, I attempted the impossible. After all the turmoil of life and stress, I tried to put on this idea of the "happy streak" where I would try to remain happy and avoid all types of sad or depressing emotions. If something comes up, I'd attempt to shrug it off. It's been about three weeks now, very strange. The effects are beginning to fade away (partially because break is over?). What has been extremely beneficial for me during this dry spell was the things that normally bothered me became bearable (forgive the spelling). Parent issues, friend issues, in general issues became less weighty on my mind. What is really beginning to bother me though is my inability to sympathize as much. I cannot find myself to understand people as well, perhaps it shows how important emotions are when relating with people. I could not understand as well the hard times my friends were experiencing. Secondly, I find myself at a loss in front of the piano. No longer does music flow from me through those intense emotions like they used to. It's hard. I think about switching back soon, just for the piano. Just for the music.

In an almost completely unrelated topic, from the theater production, from my experience in basketball, from my time in EnviroClub, from my work in FIRST, from my efforts in LEOs, from my life in CCS, I have learned something that I should have seen earlier. All my years, I strived to be that kind of shadow helper. To be that person who was always in the background doing stuff, doing those things that people usually do not recognize as hard or difficult, but I found it always necessary. I never wanted any acknowledgement, I was only proud of the people that I helped succeed. It felt good just being useful. I look around though, and I see so many people that I probably work equally as hard and I push my body to the most I can, and yet I go unrewarded. I realize I had just previously stated that I sought no acknowledgement or reward for myself, but I don't know. I guess it's tough, but thus is my role. To receive the least "good job" or "nice work" or "thank you" has always been my part. I should so aspire to do social work one day. Hopefully getting that engineering degree, I could be useful worldwide and help those who really need it. Again, probably the thankless job, not the successful money maker, not the thing my family would be extremely proud of, but it is who I am.

Not so much unrelated as the 1st paragraph is to the 2nd, the paragraph break here is just a breather for me. Anywho, yesterday's production was so strange for me. My dad came to the last showing of our winter production. If you don't know this, my dad kind of doesn't show up to any of my school activities. I recall him coming to one of my cross country races, basically it. He is a supportive dad, don't get me wrong, he helps me out in my clubs with advice and guidance. He even donates a portion of his paycheck to the FIRST Robotics team (go 2204!) every month. It is just, so strange that my dad came out. I guess it was at that "harassment" of my dad's friend to tell him to come watch, but either way. At the end of the performance he kept telling me that it was a great performance, and we all did a good job. It meant so much to me that my dad would say that. Seriously, throughout my childhood, I felt like everything I took part of was a disappointment to my dad. Drawing class, gymnastics class, my ice skating lessons, my swimming lessons, my piano lessons, my abacus lessons, my karate lessons, my chinese school lessons, my cross country/track career, my choice in FIRST over basketball, seriously everything I did felt like I kept failing him over and over. I would not know how to truly convey this idea to anyone who is reading, but him coming to the show and saying what a great job we did was great (haha, snuck in a little tear here Dx).

A good friend, Anthony, once told me that I should not base myself on what I do but rather on who I am. I have lived so contradictory to this because I have left the things I've accomplished and the abilities I have define who I am. My self worth was based on what my parents thought I was. I never admitted it, and I still don't, but perhaps I did push myself so hard just to seek approval. I've worked so hard all my life. My family always insisted on emphasizing my short comings rather than even mentioning my accomplishments. I learned not to expect any reward for working hard. I came to expect hard work to be normal. I came to expect my own being was extraneous, superfluous, the chaff in the wheat.

I could end by importing some corny quote to make us laugh. And I got the perfect one!
Calvin: Enchantress~
Haha.. Just kidding. But really, who is the ultimate authority of all of us? Who really is the one who judges us? Who do we really need to please? God loves us because of who we are regardless of what we do. It is that thought that's really kept me going through the happy streak. But ya know, maybe we weren't meant to be happy all the time. It is not even my duty to control whether I am happy or sad. That's God's job. My goal for this "happy streak" was to get myself to worry less, which is good, but I think this is the wrong way to do it. To worry less should not be about trying to worry less, it's about giving it to God and letting him take care of it. It's not in our place to worry, not in our place to be "in control." That's what God is here for. On that positive note, I shall end for the night. If anyone was so persistent as to read this whole thing, thank you. And maybe you should try running for a government office xD (Haha to theater!).