Wow

It's been so long since I've written on this forum. I return to this because I feel as if I have nothing else. The people I felt like I could be a part of, close to, or belonged to have moved on. I suppose I should to. I'll be honest, I miss those days, but I guess it's over. The irony that the one who promised to never forsake his friends would be the first one to leave. I suppose that returns with vengeance. But it's alright. I think GOD's plan for me was to be alone. I cherish those moments where I felt like I belonged, but for some reason I think that is merely past. I've never had that sense of family before, and I admit I am at times jealous of those who can so easily rely on their parents or find going home something relaxing. Right now is just a horrible time. I've almost come to a point where I am purposely isolating myself from being close to anyone. I put myself in the role as advisor or support so that I can feel a sense that people need to depend on me and I don't need them. In the end, I know this is all in vain but it's what I am accustomed to. In the end, that's not what friends are, but I can only see that much. GOD tells us everyday that we are loved, yet I don't believe it nor see it. I can't. Every moment in my life and every person that I know has rejected me at some point and I am so furious that I cannot grow callused to it. Continually hurt in hope of seeking a secure place. I realize that this is why GOD tells us not to put our faith in people, because everyone fails as humans. At the same time, if GOD wants us to live in community then why haven't I found mine?

I think this idea and role suits me best. The role of wanderer. The idea that I will always chase after ideals and fail because I am imperfect. I will always seek those perfect friendships, yet because I do I will always wander alone. =) Perhaps this is what I am most suited for. Perhaps this is just who I'm meant to be. I just have to learn to be content with that.

Back in 8th Grade

So there is a song that a friend showed me back in 8th grade. It is called "I Will Remember You" by Ryan Cabrera. Lyrics are awesome, but this sticks out to me the most.

I try to keep it simple
cause I hate goodbyes,
and I try to keep it simple
by telling myself that...

I will remember you
and all of the things we've gone through.
There is so much I can say
but words get in the way.
So when we're not together,
I will remember you
I will remember you.

I rather have my posts be more meaty and lenghty, but this striked me so much I decided to create a post dedicated to the thought that I will miss you guys in NorCal. People back at home who had to deal with my shortcomings and imperfections and to those who I hopefully helped along the way and those who helped me, I will miss you all. Ah, I suppose I'll try to enjoy the rest of the summer!

College

So I have been told by people who are staying up in NorCal and those who are still in school up here or whatnot that I should come back and visit often. I've been told to never change who I am and to stay who I am. Neither of these I really believe in. I am almost afraid that going down to SoCal, I will not want to come back up here. I see in myself so many flaws in the way I think and the way that I am that I feel obligated to change that once I get down there. It'll be difficult, and I have been somewhat trying to keep this secret as to my intentions about coming back up to visit. If I do end up coming back up here, then good. But, it just seems so difficult to face you guys up here again. I don't know, just a few thoughts that I decided I'd write down here where no one would read.

Inspiration, Admiration, Appreciation of Your Creation xD

There are probably a lot more rhymes I could think of that would match my purpose, but I'll stick with those up there. This post is intended for my friends and myself to read and also to somewhat complete my thank you's to the list of friends I started earlier. However, since I have grown so much over the past few months, I am redoing it completely. I will attempt to continually update this post as more things come into mind or as I begin to include more names. (By the way, there is no particular order to these things and I might not even name the names to the things they have done for me, so you can figure it out or ask me xD).

Without

So it is about to be 12:00 AM 6-22-2010. It feels a lot later (or earlier in the morning) as the energy seems to be sapped out of me by the second. I guess I don't have any other forum where I can really express myself anymore. *Shrug*, this has been the closest thing to a journal I got so here goes. There is a famous quote that goes: "A man can survive a month without food, a week without water, a minute without air, but only a second without hope." As the days go on, I feel that crash of the final phrase of this statement. I don't know why, but I've reached square one again. What's kept me going throughout the years have been my friends who now seem to be so busy with life that I now am left wondering where I can lean on (no pun intended). Family always criticizes me and constantly gives off an air of opposition whenever I talk to them. I have considered my friends to take on that role as my family and now I feel even worse than ever. I am Christian, and I claim Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. It is times like these when I yell out to him and even then I feel even more helpless. I've always made it a goal of mine to never complain. My father and mother always impressed on me the idea that complaining solves nothing, it serves no purpose but to annoy and exaggerate a problem. I have therefore a lot bottled up within me. Without anywhere to turn, I feel that second of hope slipping away. I'm sorry this all seems so dismal to those reading or even my future self that is reading. Hopefully one day this will be past. I have been told that it will take a lifetime to recover from I guess what should be labeled an affliction. I realize that it will be impossible to overcome alone. Yet, I feel that it can only be done by myself. For those who may read this blog, if you feel any pity for me, don't. If you feel obligated to help me, don't. If someone were to bring this up again to me, I will probably treat it as if it were non-existent. I will smile and say, thank you for caring. I suppose why I am writing this is just to complain. Haha, ironic isn't it.

New Direction

I suppose this is it. School is out. For us in the Senior Class of '10, it is a new chapter in life. So cliche, at the same time, so necessary. Some silly things I wanted to get out of my system, I'll post here. For one, why in the world do I use the word silly. Anywho, I have a new goal in life. It is a strange and farfetched goal. One that seems unnecessary and superfluous, but I feel is honorable. Inspired by the movie Kingdom of Heaven, the main character in the movie Balian, baron of Ibelin, is told by the queen of Jerusalem that the world has no need for the perfect knight. She tells him this in order to tempt him to kill her husband by sending him off to battle and marrying her when he is dead. Balian resists, in spite of the fact that he secretly loves her, because he realizes that as a knight he as a moral code to uphold. Now, back to my 'goal.' I told Calvin once that I had a new goal in life, and that was to become "the perfect gentleman." Haha, oh how silly that sounds right? I suppose it sounds something valorous now as I am still in my CCS mindset where morals are defined and boundaries are clear. College will definitely put to test my will to keep this. Balian's oath in the movie was as follows: "Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright, that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads you to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong; that is your oath." Of course, in the context of modern times, this seems like a bunch of archaic diction, but in fact it contains a basic moral code. In modern times, these lines merely reveal the basic steps to leading an honest and simple life. Making decisions that will honor God and emulate Christ-like characters are the foundations of my lofty goal.

I've thought about this often as one would wonder why the world needs a 'perfect gentleman.' What kind of gentleman would label himself in such a way in the first place? Ah, well, it's merely an ideal. Most likely I will fail, but my motives for this endeavor stretch beyond myself. It includes all my friends who deserve that much. As John 15:13 states, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." This verse has only really stuck out to me in this past month or two as Senior year came to a close. How much my friends are worth to me and how much I do and am willing to do to prove that are things that spur me on. Ah well, a New Direction. Strange, but I kind of think that I've been trying to seek this path all my life already. Now I simply put a name to it.

Friends for Life (Probably the 1st of many)

Titling this post as "Friends for Life," I realize that there will be future posts titled similarly, thus the "first of many."

Anywho, yeah, I had a long talk with a good mentor of mine about friendships. This is overstated, but the sad fact is that the friendships we build in high school will be strained due to distance in college. I really hope to change this. I could not imagine not knowing these friends I have now, not having them at the end and beginning of the day to call up or Skype with. And those special friends who I know I would not have made it through high school without, those who helped me deal with every emotional, physical, and spiritual problems I endured, I could not imagine a life without.

I usually do not post names on this blog, but I guess I feel compelled to right now. A true thanks to you who have really pushed through with me. If I do not mention your name here, it is not because I do not appreciate you or acknowledge you, please do not take offense. I love all my friends very much. And so it begins, in particular order (or maybe there is): Anthony, for your counsel and filling my life with your constant biblical influence. Mel, for your perpetual positive attitude when I needed it most and for helping me through basically every club problems and social problem and spiritual problem throughout high school. Calvin (the man with the plan), for letting me vent my problems on you and teaching me how to be competitive (at least in the earlier years when I met you). Kermit, even though I have not known you as a close friend for very long, for your humor that brightens my day.

For my other friends who I did not write the name of down here, don't take offense, please. I will write more people later when I get the time!

Thanks

Haha, yesterday evening. Around 8:20-ish? I am not sure. But, that is irrevelant mostly. I finally asked her to the formal; and she said yes. Kind of interesting how things turn out in the end. I am trying not to get too excited, but it's hard not to. I'd like to just say to her with this blogpost, thank you. If you happen to read this, I'll say sorry I didn't hug you or something because I was afraid my bad smelling-PE clothes would make it...yeah. Haha, anywho, thank you for saying yes!

Connection

Need to belong. For those in AP Psych, that's a little intro for you. I have messed up again. I think this time it is not so bad. All things considered, nobody was hurt by my tirades. I apologize to whoever I let it out on. There seems to be a disconnect between me and God and it is really tearing me apart. I don't feel that sense of belonging like I do when I am in God. Enough with these "I" statements, because it should never be about me. It's all about everyone else that has had to deal with my selfishness.

Better is One Day! If only it would be sooner.

Terror in the High Seas

Like the ever shifting tides of the ocean, it seems such is life as well. Perpetually changing, continuously manipulating, the inconsistent human is trapped in a oscillating whirlpool of thought and feeling. I think I have found my anchor, my peaceful harbor for the time being. But, when it is time to venture out into the uncharted waters, I will be ready.