Without

So it is about to be 12:00 AM 6-22-2010. It feels a lot later (or earlier in the morning) as the energy seems to be sapped out of me by the second. I guess I don't have any other forum where I can really express myself anymore. *Shrug*, this has been the closest thing to a journal I got so here goes. There is a famous quote that goes: "A man can survive a month without food, a week without water, a minute without air, but only a second without hope." As the days go on, I feel that crash of the final phrase of this statement. I don't know why, but I've reached square one again. What's kept me going throughout the years have been my friends who now seem to be so busy with life that I now am left wondering where I can lean on (no pun intended). Family always criticizes me and constantly gives off an air of opposition whenever I talk to them. I have considered my friends to take on that role as my family and now I feel even worse than ever. I am Christian, and I claim Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. It is times like these when I yell out to him and even then I feel even more helpless. I've always made it a goal of mine to never complain. My father and mother always impressed on me the idea that complaining solves nothing, it serves no purpose but to annoy and exaggerate a problem. I have therefore a lot bottled up within me. Without anywhere to turn, I feel that second of hope slipping away. I'm sorry this all seems so dismal to those reading or even my future self that is reading. Hopefully one day this will be past. I have been told that it will take a lifetime to recover from I guess what should be labeled an affliction. I realize that it will be impossible to overcome alone. Yet, I feel that it can only be done by myself. For those who may read this blog, if you feel any pity for me, don't. If you feel obligated to help me, don't. If someone were to bring this up again to me, I will probably treat it as if it were non-existent. I will smile and say, thank you for caring. I suppose why I am writing this is just to complain. Haha, ironic isn't it.

New Direction

I suppose this is it. School is out. For us in the Senior Class of '10, it is a new chapter in life. So cliche, at the same time, so necessary. Some silly things I wanted to get out of my system, I'll post here. For one, why in the world do I use the word silly. Anywho, I have a new goal in life. It is a strange and farfetched goal. One that seems unnecessary and superfluous, but I feel is honorable. Inspired by the movie Kingdom of Heaven, the main character in the movie Balian, baron of Ibelin, is told by the queen of Jerusalem that the world has no need for the perfect knight. She tells him this in order to tempt him to kill her husband by sending him off to battle and marrying her when he is dead. Balian resists, in spite of the fact that he secretly loves her, because he realizes that as a knight he as a moral code to uphold. Now, back to my 'goal.' I told Calvin once that I had a new goal in life, and that was to become "the perfect gentleman." Haha, oh how silly that sounds right? I suppose it sounds something valorous now as I am still in my CCS mindset where morals are defined and boundaries are clear. College will definitely put to test my will to keep this. Balian's oath in the movie was as follows: "Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Be brave and upright, that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads you to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong; that is your oath." Of course, in the context of modern times, this seems like a bunch of archaic diction, but in fact it contains a basic moral code. In modern times, these lines merely reveal the basic steps to leading an honest and simple life. Making decisions that will honor God and emulate Christ-like characters are the foundations of my lofty goal.

I've thought about this often as one would wonder why the world needs a 'perfect gentleman.' What kind of gentleman would label himself in such a way in the first place? Ah, well, it's merely an ideal. Most likely I will fail, but my motives for this endeavor stretch beyond myself. It includes all my friends who deserve that much. As John 15:13 states, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." This verse has only really stuck out to me in this past month or two as Senior year came to a close. How much my friends are worth to me and how much I do and am willing to do to prove that are things that spur me on. Ah well, a New Direction. Strange, but I kind of think that I've been trying to seek this path all my life already. Now I simply put a name to it.